Thoughts, Writings

8/27/15 Final Journal

I slept well this morning and woke up and had a very good shower with country-our last together. God I will miss those times together.

 

We ate lunch, then after lunch lockdown, we got out and she immediately wanted to pick a fight when she heard a previous girlfriend of mine’s name, Kendra. In the past she started talking shit about her and I told her I haven’t said a single thing about any of HER exes. I also told her that it says a lot about a person’s character when they are always talking behind someone’s back. This time, she started it on Kendra the moment she heard her name. So I called her out on it. I was finished. She tried to turn that issue into “Challen Miller’s fault” so I walked away and locked my door. Now she is pouting and crying and I have no remorse. I will wait for her apology. 15 minutes has passed since last writing and I’m waiting for her to realize that she is just wasting her time. She chose to waste this time getting upset over Kendra versus spending time with me, the “one she loves”. Every day, I learned more more about her psychological makeup and her psyche. And it interests. I can see the exact stages of her emotions, how they ab and flow with her moods, and it’s all revealed in her eyes. I see every single exact step and I have witnessed the progression that went through her brain on the day of the murder. This has been one HELL of a learning experience, dating and falling for a murder. It definitely trumps any other relationship I have ever had or will have in the future. And I will say, learning her deepest and darkest secrets, the way her subconscious works, all of the hidden details of her crimes such as the brand of the knife where it was hidden at and never recovered as well as mentally each step her psyche goes through when rage is involved, would be a huge goldmine to psychologists.

 

But the flipside to that coin is that by learning somebody that deeply, that intimately, so intimately that you know how (and have done it countless times in here) to defuse that extreme rage. You learn that sometimes when somebody is livid or raging, instead of running away from them, you have the power to completely disable them with only her eyes. Your demeanor exudes such confidence and care that they can’t still be livid at you. Sometimes it’s easier to put out a gunfight by running into it instead of away from it. Sometimes you help someone more than words can say, by just being human and giving away a piece of yourself. In the end, you can only hope that you have been a helping hand. They did everything in your power to improve that person’s life in the short time your work together. If they didn’t take your help, that is on them, you still gave it your all, and in the end you have no regrets.

 

I was initially moved to this pod for one purpose, but quickly learned of another power I have that I have neglected. By giving of myself, I have “tamed” Country and regardless of the outcome of her trial, I hope I have taught her that anyone, regardless of their circumstances or charges, can be loved properly

-Challen Miller

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