Thoughts, Writings

8/26/15 Journal

Well when I got dragged out of bed this morning for court again I had a feeling something was wrong. I got there and Christine told me “Challen Miller does not meet the requirements for inpatient rehab” since I haven’t done drugs the past 30 days since I have been in jail. (of course…because you are in jail, duh!) I would screen for sober living(a much easier program) and would be done with that after 60 days or so. I would come to country’s trial and see family and friends daily. In the end, it’s a much better deal for me. But now I have to go back to the jail and break country’s heart. I felt too hard and too fast. I should be happy to leave, but instead I’m heartbroken.


Got back to the jail and country could we read on my face-she knew the bad news. All us at our table cried it out with us, and even my bunkee and the rest of the pod didn’t have a dry eye. They knew what good I had been for Sarah and how we cared for each other. It’s hurting SO FUCKING MUCH right now. Who would have thought after all of this time in here, I wouldn’t want to leave. I don’t. One more day is all I ask, but Thursday or Friday morning I leave and never get to see her again. We will have to make the most of today and our remaining time together. After lunch lockdown, I could tell my bunkee was crying. She is a sweet Mexican lady, 40 years old who is always been quiet. Country and I went up to her and she hugged me and she couldn’t get the words out in English. Her friend translated and said “she says you are the most faithful and honorable person she knows and she enjoyed having you share a room with her. She will really miss you.” I had no idea I had touched her like that.


Country had written me a long letter to Darren lockdown that basically thanked me for showing her how to let herself be loved properly and for all the little things I held important to her and taught her about love. I told her that even though she didn’t know how to love properly or be loved, she, and accused murderer, taught me that anyone can love. That hearts can be softened, and you find love in the lowest of places.


Needless to say, this has been one HELL of a journey-one that I will never forget. I never could of imagined on May 12 when I was arrested that I would be sad to leave this place, but I will be. I’m not worried much for my heart when I get out-I’m a survivor and I always land on my feet. It’s her that I’m worried about. She starts trial November 2 and that will be bad in itself, but she has fallen deeply and hardly for me, and I’m worried she might harm herself, per her threats previously. She technically has nothing to live for, is 21 years old facing life in prison for first-degree murder – FAR more than I had ever faced by age 21. She is emotionally and mentally damaged and needs LOTS of professional help for her demons. I hope that one day she gets the help she desperately needs and her life turns around.


After poetry class tonight I talked on the phone to mom. Christine called her and set up transport instructions for Friday at 8 AM when I get released. That means country and I get 24 more hours together only. She was very happy to hear this news, as was I. The rest of the night we spent well together.

-Challen Miller


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