Thoughts, Writings

7/31/15 Journal

We started day several times trying to slip into my room, but the DO was on point and kept making rounds every five minutes once we finally snuck into my room, so we couldn’t even accomplish anything. Later, I went to my room and she locked me in the room alone, so someone couldn’t come in. That’s when we realized there was another snitch parking. That night, we had to watch PREA video over and over and over again on loop for two hours. (Keep in mind, the video itself is only 15 minutes long, so it was an entire pod brainwashing to watch it constantly over and over again. Country’s ex-gf was brought into the pod about 2 PM and I was”forced”to meet her. Since getting in here in September 2014, she has had 11 relationships, seems struggling to cope with abandonment issues. This girl, Erica, I knew from 2013 back in F-17, and she reportedly dumped country while country was on a 48 hour lockdown. Country also suffers from a lack of confidence in the relationships she enters-taking an extremely controlling position with her significant others. If I were to be sitting in writing at a table and a stranger came up to talk or ask a question about the phones for example, I can predict with 100% accuracy that country would swoop in from wherever she was and ask “why was she flirting with you?!” Or if someone smiled at me or made a joke, she viewed that as well as a “threat”. She would come over, interrupting with “HI, Baby! Challen Miller is MINE!” And put hands all over me in front of the “threat” to send the message that I was taken and to ward off the perceived threat. I realized this was also the reason she kept “marking” my exposed arms with bite marks and/or hickies. 90% of the marks she placed on my body were on exposed skin for others to see, whereas marks placed during the heat of passion were largely unseen.

 

Country’s ex came onto the pod and while they were saying their hellos, I stayed watching TV, then decided to go out onto the yard where Jay, the other Marine was playing racquetball again and getting a hard-core workout. I joined in, with her blessing (Country’s), while country sat out on the yard with me and talked to her ex. Play ball for about 30 minutes, mixed with push-ups and pull-ups, not good and sweaty. Then at 1520, country told me it was 10 minutes until lockdown so I could shower off before lock. As I went to shower, she accused me of “being distant”and we proceeded to argue the entire time I’m naked and trying to shower. Then we locked down angry at each other, so I wrote her an angry four-page letter telling her how abnormal that controlling type of behavior she exhibits over girlfriends is, and how I’m not the type to be controlled. I basically called her out, along with all the other comments I had heard behind my back about how controlling she is-showing it’s not just me that is noticing this. I took a nap until 1700 dinner when she came up to my room, totally different person, totally forgotten about the fight, and handed me a note saying she was sorry and wanted to move on. Then she got mad when I told her I’m not the type that can move on that quickly because if a problem is large enough to cause a fight, when the fight is over, the problem needs to be addressed so it doesn’t happen again and we grow from it. Not to sweep it under the rug and pretend it never happened and take the “oh well, fights are normal in relationships”attitude without addressing the problem. Well, she read the four-page letter and that threw her into a MASSIVE tailspin, where she wrote rage-laden letter beating herself up for being herself, and also a call on to me entitled “HATE” in the first three words starting the piece were “I hate you”. We cried it out and I told her she wasn’t the “monster” she thought she was. We set peacefully the rest of the evening.

-Challen Miller

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