Thoughts, Writings

7/30/15 Journal

Today was mostly normal until after court got back and our “good” friend Gamble came back spreading rumors from F-22 and she found out she was going home. I’ve always held the view that when someone gets the news they’re going home, their body language comes out and so do their true colors. People who stood by you steadfastly and professed their solid friendship start cutting ties and turning their backs on the people he spent the past few months with, 24 hours a day and it really hurts. Friendships made in the lowest of places have a lasting impact on one’s psyche. When you get to know somebody at their lowest point in their life and are completely exposed and vulnerable, as well as being around them 24/7 nonstop for months on end, you form very close bonds-be it with a girlfriend or just platonic friend. Well, Gamble was leaving and started cutting ties, then promised Amanda she would bond her out ($7,000 bond), which most likely isn’t going to happen so we lost half of our small group and it’s down to just Challen Miller and country. Amanda popped off some childish crap since she’s angry country and I are always together and Amanda was country’s best friend. She asked country “is it warm in there?” And that confused her, so I went up to Amanda later to clarify and she Pointblank replied “in your ass” (meaning country follows me around everywhere). When I first met country, I told her I don’t want to come between her and her friends(as the new “girlfriend”) but it appears I have. So that loyalty issue with Gamble was on my heart and the he was on my mind as well during lockdown.

 

Once lockdown was over, I was in a depressed mood and was going to use that mood to get some writing finished on one of my pieces, as I needed to be in a certain frame of mind to complete it, and I was finally in that mindset, but country came up to my resume bouncing all over and dragged me to Poetic Justice class-which was two hours of wishy-washy feelings crap I didn’t need, and it bold my mindset, so I couldn’t get my writing done as planned. After poetry class, I was in my room gathering supplies with my door ajar. Then the D.O. came by and asked me, Challen Miller, if I was coming out and to lock my door when I left. I advised her I was, but she slammed the door in my face, locking me in my room. It was then that I flew into a blind rage, kicking the door in fury. I could feel my eyes suddenly focus into the laserlike focus in my muscles flexing-ready to lash out at anything that moved. I think it was the culmination of events for the whole day and that simply was the spark that finally set off the powder keg. After a few minutes of pacing and looking for something to kill, country got my door popped open by the D.O. remotely (glad she didn’t come to the door and use are key to unlock the door-there would have been yet another charge levied against me). I came out and I had to walk it off as I was still furious and intent on lashing out. I sat down for a moment in the middle of the range to write down the raw emotions coursing through my veins, which later I edited down into a poem which turned out quite good.

 

My problem with rage, in here, as with other areas of daily life at David L Moss, is that on the outside, I have cooling down periods between events. I can walk away to cool down, and that’s usually when I do. We also get stonewalled in here by the administration, so problems and issues don’t get addressed when they need to, or the D.O’s treat us like chattel- which for me, only adds to the issue. My problem is that I can control my anger, but the longer that an issue goes unresolved and neglected for me, the higher the anger level goes, until I finally choose to take things into my own hands, take charge of the situation and resolve the issue on my own. So, in the pressure-cooker environment here, as with other issues, the timeline is greatly compressed, and emotions such as rage that I don’t experience much on the outside come out almost on a daily basis in here. It’s an interesting “characteristic” I’m noticing about myself and my psyche-along with starting to experience greater highs and lows in my empathy levels – which I don’t experience on the outside in terms of emotions. It’s definitely something I will need to explore more myself in the upcoming days.

 

After our shower and shave this morning, we made it up to my room up top to be together. Normally, we have proper “Jigger” (lookout) support from several key people who will make sure we are afforded privacy. They subtly watch the D.O., and when she starts to make her 30 minute-rounds she always starts on the bottom row. So when she starts, one lookout will run upstairs to my room and knock on the door while the other asks her a question to distract her and by time with the D.O.’s back to my door so we can slip out unnoticed and by the time she turns around, we are seen in a very public place, very much separated, and doing very innocent things. Today, that was a problem, given that one of our jiggers went home and the other, Amanda, is being a bitch. So we had to time it for lunch time, when we knew the D.O. would be very occupied handing out trays. Afterward, country slipped out unnoticed and I slipped out five minutes later. Success again! Now we just have to endure the “you just pulled shenanigans”looks from our table peers! Challen Miller for the win!

 

Tonight, while we were watching TV, I casually asked her a question about how can I attend her trial and our plans afterwords, etc. She answered, but I could tell I hit her on a nerve. I let silence work for me and she finally broke down and body wracking sobs, telling me about her father disowning her in the events in Tennessee leading up to her leaving and coming to Oklahoma. It was an extremely emotional talk and it hit me once again how fragile her emotional state was. Earlier today and one of our stalks, I revealed my psychopathic diagnosis to her in response to her mental health evaluation she had this morning before I broke up. She was shocked until I explained it to her and pointed out my empathy issues and manipulative side. She may have the same diagnosis, but she is certainly more of an impasse than I am. We both had fascinations with fire and harming small animals as children.

-Challen Miller

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